Friday, 27 August 2010


Life is Starting to UnRavel (Scroll own if you're here for Rocking your World and Don't want to Read my Emotional Drivel)

OK - so sometimes it's easier to say things here because it feels anonymous doesn't it - even though we know it's not anonymous we can pretend that we can say these things and well no one actually reads them - but then you realise that there are some beautiful people who read and listen and understand and well if no body reads it - it won't matter really will it....

So what do you do when a situation is damaged, that it reflects on you but the outcome is out of your hands, what do you do when life catches up and kicks you from behind, even when you weren't expecting it, what do you do when you know your peers know but you just don't want to talk about it, you weren't involved it wasn't you it's all messed up - what do you do when your intuitive brain is proved right and then you realise that things are not good - as an adult I reflect on things that have left me damaged - now don't get me wrong this doesn't mean that I'm not level headed or able to adjust to life but there are instances in my past that truly sadden me and as an adult I'm doing all within my power not to allow things to affect my child as they affected me - I suppose that's the bit about parenting that you try and make things better for the next generation whilst still teaching them values.

The amazing part of life is that you meet people and assume they aren't damaged, that their life was easier without the hurdles and the pitfalls and then you learn, that what moulds us as adults is directly linked by the happy times when we were younger but more importantly often what moulds us are the sadder, harder more damaged times we have had to deal with through life.  

These things can be insignificant things but they still damage us, they can be huge things that lead to obvious damage but they are what moulds us, they all make us who we become, we armour plate against life, we don't let our guard down because we know what will come - and what we really want to do is drop the battle shield and the spear, we want to move away from the enclosure and the wall that guards our back, we want to take off the stab vest and free ourselves of the locks of life, it's hard and it makes us sad but damage doesn't always lead to a release - learning to accept and move on - damage sometimes means that you pick up more armour along the way and the prickly self becomes encased in that plating that sometimes stops us from life and thus stops us from living.  

Maybe it's time to put the armour and the shields down for a while - even when we are vulnerable we can learn to accept and deal with the blows that life gives us - I am my own person with my own choices and I stand by them, if I'm wrong I will raise my hand and admit it - I'll protect my own but appreciate that we are not perfect and that when life throws these curve balls well we have to sometimes learn to duck!


OK so here is how the conversation went - honestly - this is someone I love dearly who is having a seriously tough time, this person is under the doctors at the mo and they are prescribing tablets that in all honesty come with a bible of do's and don't's and side effects galore - honestly if they'd read these first they might not be taking them at all.  The tablets have some atrocious side effects but apparently are to help balance them for a while - I'm not convinced!

Feeling tired on day one of taking the tablets (although unsure what day it is) this person settles down on the sofa and decides to snooze, their sleep pattern is bad at the best of time so they don't think anything of this, they wake at 8 o'clock, it's neither dark nor light - puzzled they attempts to fathom out whether it's morning or evening, they're not sure, they knows they slept but they can't remember what time they went to sleep, because it's 8 o'clock and they thinks they've done their normal trick of being awake through the night they assumes it must be morning and therefore they must be tired and therefore they must need more sleep, so head up to bed...
they wake and look at their watch it says 11 - the daylight outside indicate it's morning - but then they wonder what day it is, they fell asleep at 6 ish - now was that morning or evening?????  Woke at 8 which they assumed to be morning and therefore bedtime but maybe it wasn't - maybe it was evening and not morning - so they now wake up at 11 in the morning - but which morning??? These tablets - mmmm - not good, how many days has this person been missing??? Then they think - it's all good because they are  awake now but would still like to know how many days they've missed - they put on the news channel - awesome stuff because let's be honest - it tells you the day and time whenever you want - so they obtain the day and the date and the time - mmmm now what day did they actually go to sleep???  Are the tablets working - don't know let you know later - but they are smiling a lot (sometimes in a manic sense) mmm - they are good at that and it doesn't tell you anything - plus they use the word FINE a lot - and we all know what that means!  

The above has been written throughout the week and well it seemed a shame to delete it - so I've left it intact but technically this is Rocking your World Friday so Good Morning Rockers and Rockettes I promise to do my grateful part now!  

I'm grateful for occasionally finding a weblink that leads to changes in my life - was a link put up as a link to Carmen when she was threatening some domestic clutter clearing and so I went for a nosy - before I know it I'm signing up receiving loads of e-mails and my home is definitely benefiting, with improvements in my home you start to feel better in yourself and before you know it changes for me are afoot as well - love it!  So now I have a shiny sink (every day) an empty dishwasher, a washing machine on full blast and a gorgeously clean and tidy bathroom - loving it!  I'm off to provide a little domestic assistance to my sister this morning - I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm grateful for the focus of my husband when we start another decorating project - we started the purple room last week (it's not purple anymore i'm going to have to find something else to call it aren't I) it need stripping of paper, skirting, making good the walls, repapering, painting the paper (as we use lining paper) stripping the carpet out, gripper rods and underlay and putting down the fibreboard - and yes we are at this stage already - now weather dependant we'll be starting the laminate later woo hoo!

I'm grateful for time with my little man yesterday - he is so sweet - love ya babes!

I'm grateful for finding my scrapbooking mojo this week - after recording all those layouts last week and having a few spare scrapbook albums in hand I finally feel that I can get on with new layouts woo hoo!  

I'm going to leave it there - if you managed to get to this point - well done pat on the back etc!  

Hope you are having an awesome Friday


  1. Wow that sounds like one helluva ride you're on my dear. Without spilling too much out here in blogland I was on a similar ride 4 years ago - childhood demons seemed to have damaged me beyond repair but I tried to be brave I didnt want another 40 years of the awful feelings so I hit therapy - group and one to one - it took a year to feel I was healing and two before I could say I am ok. I couldn't hit the pills although they were offered plenty but Im glad I took the hard road - it was tough spilling out the hurt, guilt, fear and actually agony of what had happened I cant pretend it was easy at all and for a year I was all over the place struggling to keep myself together but Im out the other side - the demons have been banished and I know Im an ok person. I still have the weight to tackle as over eating was the comfort of those awful years but I know inside I am ok. Now here I am with just the daily woes of life and using my crafting to escape the bigger worries (the menieres). Dont know whats going on for you my dear but it sounds horrid. I was afraid to talk - didnt think it would help but it does talking gets it out of your head and its less scary outside than inside. email me if you want to chat xx J x

  2. There's too much to say...I think I need to phone you. xx

  3. Virginia

    I simple have one comment - "Well done you!!!!!!!!!!" It's gotta be better out than in.


  4. I'm here for you too Virginia. I too have touched rock bottom on more than one occasion.Email me if you want to chat.
    Hugs (and lots of them).
    Sue xx

  5. I think we all have some damage at some time or other and as life goes on it's hard not to look back with regrets or anger. I have had some seriously dark thoughts myself, against myself and against others. It's then all about damage limitation and looking forward - which is hard - I often think it's a bit like the myth where Orpheus mustn't look behind him when leaving the Underworld but he just can't help himself. None of us can.

    If you need to chat, rant, rave or whatever Virginia - you know where I am x x x x

    p.s Fly Lady is wicked innit :)

  6. Agree with DGgirl better out than in :)

    Not sure I love or hate the drugs that are supposed to 'even you out' was on some 11 years ago and TBH when I thought heck these are stupid and just stopped taking them I didn't feel any better or worse 'priginal problem wise' but a lot more level headed fog wise maybe these things get given out to stop you bothering doctors? lol I don't know...but turns out that ilness was what was mostly making me screwy as I'd been really active before that and had great difficulty adjusting to Stop Mode.... but they don't have time to look at these things they just want you in and out the fastest possible to meet their targets usually....

    Re: The Past .. I found that I tortured myself daily with what ifs..what if certain things hadn't happened...what if it's all changed me so badly that blah, blah.... and you're right these things make us what we are... and we definitely wouldn't be with the person we are with right now if we hadn't been through them. Sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing

    Not a clue how I did it but one day I dropped it. Like on my son (now 12's) 4th birthday I stopped smoking 20 ciggies a day and never looked back... I just dropped it (for the most part!) ... I am what I am I am my own special creation as Gloria once said ;)I'd thought about it ad nauseam couldn't change it and it was bringing me down and using up energy I no longer had...

    That probably doesn't even make sense as I have misunderstood lol.... but hey I am what i am ;)

    Good on ya for making a Friday post even though you are going through raging shiznit


    G xxx